Atonement
by Rickkatefan
Summary: Jessica and Nash. Jess and Tess are integrated, but Jess doesnt remember anything from Tess. The baby is Nash's.
1. Chapter 1

Atonement

_Author's note: This story takes place in Llanview, present time. Jessica and Tess have been integrated, but unfortunately, Jessica does not retain any of Tess' memories nor her love for Nash. (At least, not yet.) She did manage to get some of Tess' sass and independence, however, and the baby she is carrying has been determined as Nash's._

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Treading carefully through the graveyard in the waning light, Jessica wrapped her coat tightly around herself in a valiant attempt to fend off autumn's bitter chill. But the thin fabric was no match for a brutal November wind that howled mournfully as it coaxed the last leaves off their branches.

Reaching her destination, she dropped to her knees in front of the tiny marker and fussed at an evergreen planter that was trimmed with a dusty pink ribbon. She moved it aside and traced her fingers over the letters engraved in the stone:

_Megan Buchanan Rappaport  
June 1999  
Infant daughter of Jessica and Will  
Heaven's littlest angel_

If Megan had lived, she would be celebrating her sixth Christmas. She would be in first grade – old enough to start noticing boys, yet not quite old enough to admit to that fact. She'd be having her first slumber party, staying up all night with her girlfriends as they take turns braiding each other's hair and oohing and ahhing over the newest horse models in the Breyer catalogue.

Jessica felt a lump forming in her throat. A tear slid down her cheek and she brushed it away. Today was Thanksgiving, a holiday meant to bring families together in love and laughter. Yet she felt like an outsider in her own home. Her parents, her brother and sister – they all meant well, but their constant hovering was stifling and made it difficult to breathe.

"Don't treat me like a China doll. I'm not going to break!" she had snapped at Viki, and then immediately regretted it when she saw the hurt look on her mother's face. "I'm sorry. I just need to get some air. I'm going out for a drive."

Antonio, who was eavesdropping as usual, swooped down upon her. "I'll drive you. You shouldn't be behind the wheel in your condition."

Jessica clenched her teeth and silently fumed. "And what condition would that be?" she said slowly, cocking an eyebrow. "Pregnant? Crazy?"

"I just meant that... that with all you've been through, you shouldn't be alone," he stammered defensively.

"Antonio, what I need right now is some peace and quiet, not a chaperone. I've already got Jess and Tess, and baby makes three. I don't need you tagging along too."

With that, Jessica stepped outside and shut the door behind her before her fiancé could protest.

Now, alone amongst the graves, with the gray clouds rolling overhead, Jessica felt a calm wash over her. But the hollow feeling remained.

"I'm sorry, Megan," she whispered. "So sorry you never had your chance in this world." She dropped her hand from the gravestone and brought her palm to her belly, which was just starting to swell in the early stages of her second trimester.

"It's just you and me, kiddo," she whispered, caressing the bump. "I wish you could have known your big sister. You would have been the best of friends."

In the darkness, a twig snapped. Jessica's heart skipped a beat. "Who's there?" she called, peering into the trees along the edge of the cemetery.

A figured emerged from the shadows, and Jessica felt an odd fluttering in her chest when she realized it was Nash. His face lit up when he saw her, but the enigmatic smile was gone just as quickly as it had appeared.

"I was just taking a walk. I didn't realize anyone was here," he said awkwardly. "I didn't mean to intrude." With a flourish, Nash made to leave, but Jessica called out to him.

"Wait!" she said, climbing to her feet. "There's someone I want you to meet." Nash halted, then closed his eyes and uttered a silent prayer of thanks before turning to approach Jessica.

When he reached her side, she gestured wryly at the granite marker. "Nash, this is my daughter, Megan."

He drew in a sharp breath. "Oh. Wow. I'm sorry. I had no idea." Nash ran a hand through his hair and then sank slowly onto a nearby bench. Wordlessly Jessica dropped down beside him, and the two sat staring at the headstone.

Finally, Nash spoke. "So… a tactful person would probably just sit here and hold your hand in a silent gesture of sympathy. But an ill-mannered, nosy person would instead ask what happened. So… what happened?"

Jessica chuckled. "I can always count on you to give it to me straight, can't I?" she said warmly. "I know that's one of the things Tess loves about you." She paused, feeling the memories flooding back as she began her story.

"I was 17, always the perfect, good little girl. But one night I did something stupid and reckless that changed my whole life. I was drunk, and with a guy who wasn't even my boyfriend. One thing led to another, and guess what? I found out you CAN get pregnant the first time."

With a dry laugh, she glanced at Nash. He gave her a crooked smile but waited patiently for her to continue.

Jessica sighed. "I was so scared. I thought my life was over. But Will – he's a good guy – he stood by me, and we were making plans to raise the baby together. I could feel her growing inside of me – all those tiny little kicks and hiccups – and I was really starting to love her. She wasn't even born yet, but it's like she already had her own little unique personality."

She paused, catching her breath. "I was eight months pregnant when I was hit by a car. Funny how your whole life can change in an instant, huh?" Jessica's voice shook, betraying old emotional wounds not yet healed. "Megan was born by emergency C-section. She lived just long enough for us to tell her goodbye."

Nash reached out and gently took Jessica's hand. "That's rough. I'm sorry, Jess." Impatiently, she pushed him away. "You don't understand! I don't deserve your sympathy! I didn't even deserve Megan, don't you see?"

Nash stared at her, frowning. "You think ... Megan dying ... was some sort of punishment for your sins?"

Jessica stood up from the bench, her back to Nash. She moved her hands protectively to her belly, where the new life was growing inside her. When she finally spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper.

"I thought I finally had my life all back in order. I was engaged to Antonio, and we were going to raise a family together. But then Tess comes out and has her little party time, and it's like I'm right back where I started. Everything is so messed up, Nash. Sometimes I think ... that this baby might get taken away, too, because I don't deserve to be a mother. I'm so scared."

She was crying softly now. Nash approached her and gently turned her to face him. He swiped a tear from her cheek with the back of his hand and then smoothed her hair. He studied her for a moment, musing. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe this baby was meant to be a sort of atonement for all the hell that you've been through?"

Jessica looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"Hey… I know you don't remember much of what went on when you--" Nash paused and corrected himself. "When _Tess_ and I were together. But you need to know this: that baby might not have been planned, but it was conceived in love. Our time together in Napa and New York… we had fun, but there was nothing reckless or irresponsible about how we felt about each other. That was the real deal."

The memory brought a sad smile to his lips. "All those hopes and dreams we had… well, I guess that wasn't meant to be, was it? But we created this amazing little life, and now that love will make her – or him – strong."

Jessica smiled through her tears. "I'm sorry I don't remember our life together. Looks like Tess did a few things right after all. But now that Antonio and I are back together, it's not really fair to you."

Nash looked uncomfortable. "Hey, I'll live. I'm just glad you're okay." He changed the subject. "So what are you doing out here in the dark, anyway?"

Jessica sighed. "Looking for a little peace and quiet. Everyone back at the house was in 'hover' mode. I know it's Thanksgiving and all, but sometimes family holidays can just drive you crazy. What about you? Don't you have family to visit?"

Nash shrugged. "Nah. I'm on my own. To tell you the truth, I didn't even realize it was Thanksgiving until you mentioned it."

"Oh, that's terrible!" Jessica replied. "Look, why don't you come back to the house with me? You can fill up on leftovers, and help distract the rents from all their fussy overprotectiveness."

Nash grinned and shook his head. "I don't know about that. Wouldn't want Antonio to get his feathers all ruffled now."

Jessica snorted. "Let him stew. Come on. Let's go," she said, tugging at his sleeve.

They made to leave, but Nash paused and picked up a colorful maple leaf. He placed it on top of the granite marker. "Rest easy, little one," he said tenderly. "Maybe you can help watch over your little brother or sister. They say everyone has a guardian angel."

Jessica felt tears well up in her eyes again, but this time, they were tears of happiness.


	2. Thanks

Sorry to disappoint you but this fic is not from me. I asked the author Blondiegrrl aka Andrea (The Fire Escape – A Tess and Nash Board) to put it here and she accepted. I want to thank her for giving me permission to do it.


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